i have tried to leave my husband so many times, i even filed for divorce, but i came back to this situation, to try again, start over with hopes that things will get better. Every day is different and I am so lost..What can I do to get the man I fell for back? Im currently with my man of 6 years and hes been unemployed for 4 (besides working 2 months at the end of my pregnancy as I worked almost full time up until the day before her birth) its so frustrating sometimes! Hes even said this is it .. If I break up with him and kick him out, he literally has nowhere to go. 3. The reality is that you may have to switch gears and try something new. Does anybody even read this board? If they are not the type of motivated person who will better our lives, then are they trying the best to look after the family and support those around them? Now all it takes is me walking through the door at the end of a long hard day to the sight of him playing games of the dishes not yet done to set me off like a screaming banshee. Please any suggestions? Hes highly educated, but not being picked up by any employers. The other half of the problem is his depression. Hes a slacker and useless and doesnt help around the house and he drives me crazy. Not even temp work. Im not sure what Ill do if he is unable to. On 2013 he had a brief job about 5 months and got laid off again! I dont know how being solely focused on bad things going on in the world is helping either of us. I am also looking for part-time or full-time work, although i have been working for 27 years. What would become of my children and the life they live? I am a woman who has had long term depression and anxiety problems. He was raised in a very traditional household where his mom was a homemaker. 4 years he is not working . I rub her to sleep every night, due to a car accident and constant pain. In a perfect world, both partners would work toward the success of their relationship. sometimes we all need friends to help us through the decision making process, everything our partners don t want us to do, afraid we will get stronger and not be guilty when we walk. He owes me thousands of dollars at this point. Its super manipulative. I pray that God will relieve us from the situation and guide us to see how we can love our husbands in this kind of difficult situation. You might even just tell him that: Ive been feeling resentful of how much housework falls to me, and I dont want to blame that on you. I guess, in a way, Im glad Im not on my own. Thank you for your comment. Our biggest asset in life is our time. My mom was annoyed that I tried to encourage my mom to ask more details about his prospective son-in-law. What would that solve? Hard when you have barely enough money to feed yourself, let alone another. Done. During my injured time I have endured constant pain, a very messy divorce, and humiliation from social security as I fight for my benefits. I dont discuss it with family or friends because they all feel enough is enough and I should leave him. My husband got sick- turned out to be appendicitis, but it took the docs a year to figure it out. He does next to nothing around the house (hell occasionally cook and/or clean if the mood strikes him) and other people are expected to step in and pay his bills because he doesnt work (wont even get a part time job) and lives on a fixed income. Plus I think people look at your resume and realize you are way overqualified and will not even give you a second glance. Jerk.. ", The effect that decision had on her husband can't be understated. I feel as though he has done this too himself and I no longer want to help him I feel taken advantage of. They claim of course that other people are the problem but they seem to have these issues wherever they go and regardless of the situation. After only a year and a half of being together, this man is not going to bring you any happiness. Thank you! Im just tired of being the Proverbs 31 woman. Im beginning to become very frustrated and tired of working so hard to better our lives when she just sits at home or wants to go off and party. I love him to death, but HOW LONG is too long? so sorry you went through that hell. He keeps saying hes looking for jobs but we share an email account and there is no email trail and every time he goes on an interview (I get a call from my contacts saying he blew it). It just goes on and on and on. ETA: PLEASE DONT POST THIS ANYWHERE ELSE THANK YOU. I said yes because I thought it would only be a few weeks, few months tops. I was married in a sacred church and supposedly we are all supposed to live happily ever after, and be together even after we die. I have a successful company and already work more than full time, do all the work around the house and still make sure I am fully present and engaged with our daughter. So I keep asking, what did we, as women really gain? Clean house go find the guy you really want and take him home and make him part of your life, if its meant to be he will go willing down that road. In all this time he's been unemployed, he's never completed 1 application. The last period of unemployment was eight years. IM TIRED!!!! Boy, has society got all women buffaloed. I dont want to add shame to what I know is already a low period for him, but Im concerned I will resent him even after he starts a new job and is able to contribute more toward our finances. Friends and my husbands family tell me to be patient and encouraging. I very much want to tell them the severity of the situation, but hes asked I dont. Including some places where the pills are still legal. For as long as you have to deal with the unemployment monster, I hope that you give yourself space and time to find ways to take care of yourself. When things get critical financially he asks his sick mother for money and she sends it. You might be the better upgraded version! After the 6 years, that all went and I didnt get another job for 2 years and it was just a few hours and my wife got a part time job of 20 hours.I did the school run for the next 6 years and joined the reserves to gain some extra money.She refused to buy an old car and still eat out and told me she deserved to have everything she wanted! To save yourself, you must be claimed down. If it even looks like its breached by your man, get the hell out. Yes, we are talking about it and we both know we want it, but there is no firm plan. He does no housework, thats my job he always reminds and the outside is his.. It must be so hard for anybody to be going through thisits one thing going through an economical difficulty but what is tougher is that you cannot even shout at your partneryou cannot ask them to go take a hike!It must be so tough. There are certain jobs he wont do, wont supply for minimum wage jobs etc. Is he a good man or a lazy shit who pretends hes a good man just so you leave him alone, thats called playing you. I am praying for you. There has to be a point in time when something clicks in your head and says time to grow up. To be fair to us, men do a lot more housework than in 1949. 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When I became unemployed (never told them I had savings) they bolted pretty fast thinking they would have to pay bills. Instead, tell your partner how you feel when you are overburdened with responsibilities. I still love her completely, but every time it looks like shes about to give up on ANYTHING I get so angry and resentful at her! I wish I had been as mature as you at that age. Yes I admit, Im extremely bitter over this situation. I think the family dynamic of men as the breadwinner really changed when stagnant salaries and rising costs forced families to need two salaries to survive. Some of the comments above piss me off to no end. We are adults. Ive tried tough love. Most of society accepted this and did not see this as somehow unfair in any way. I love him but all of this is kind of turning me off. I wouldnt break up with him over this because money is not everything to me, but Im honestly afraid that hell jut pick up and leave again feeling like he has nothing to stay in town for. I also recently recovered (along with my baby) from a opioid dependency due to the pain medications administered to me during the several months I was hospitalized while pregnant, which was a horrible experience for both baby and I. My husband has been in and out of jobs since I been with him and my mother always told me something was not right because of this, but I would always defend the fact that he would come across so much bad luck and how he is smart he has a degree he is an ex football player we will be okay but it just never did. So naturally, they not only want to prevent that from happening, they want to send your partner away feeling less than and thinking that something must be lacking within themselves to make them not good enough to even be offered the position that they (your partner) thought (and was probably correct) that they would be perfect for. On may2nd 2016, she started her 5-weeks of agressive radiotherapy. She married in haste. Seek marriage counseling if you are struggling with sharing household responsibilities. I love your math equation with balanced ratios of income to household labor, like a tidy economic model. During that week, she still managed to clock some working hours at her employment place. Part of me wants to believe something will come. He actually left end of June and I was shocked that he actually left. He looks at job postings online every other day but never applies! Often the partner who shoulders most of the emotional labor grew up with a parent who over-functioned to compensate for a partner who slacked off. He got a job thru a temp agency, went 1 day and quit. It can be out of the persons way, at a time that isnt convenient for them and even if they have the day off theyd probably rather spend it doing things they find a little more fun. So many times people have said theyd help me only to have something come up or remember that they had to do something. Yet many of these people are among the more critical. He has gotten marginally better at being a dad. Some may wipe down the worktops and do a bit more, for which we must applaud them. I feel soo angry. Since its summer I have started working 4x per week and am trying to find a second job but in september we are back to this. I really resent myself. We where separated for 6 months and I lost my apt and was living with my son in my truck and my daughter with her friends. Im so sorry that youre dealing with this, but please know this isnt okay. Couples counseling, a class, massage, vacation.. well those things TAKE MONEY. I dont care because I cant take it with me when I go. Hes always wanted to just run his own business but thats not stable and it hasnt worked the two times hes attempted. on Wednesday, June 27th, 2012 at 8:09 am. If this is the kind of work that there is that is getable for people, you can see why so many elect to remain unemployed. If one person works more than the other does that mean the person who works fewer hours has to do more chores? Im not in a position financially to throw $250 away in counseling without him making effort at the other requirements. Some of these posts are a yr or two old so i dont know if anyone will read this. The longer someone has been out of the general workforce the harder it is to get back into it. My husband is a frugal guy, so he finds all kinds of ways for us to save money. mini holiday which is mostly funded by work. It was great for the driest year, but in the second year he decided to go to school. Every penny is spent on his two ungrateful gimme gimme gimme girls. Im truly sorry youre going through this. Then she said she had originally planned to go to the bank in person instead, but felt a migraine coming on so wasnt going to do that either. He is working one day a week at a part-time job. I experienced the terrible economy. They keep saying the economy has turned around and unemployment is half what it was at the beginning of the recession, but what about all of our partners who have actually been trying to find work and keep getting rejected? Self-care means honoring the other facets of your personality and life, thereby diminishing the attention given to the unemployment monster. During this time his worked full time twice, both jobs last just one year each, and he left both jobs of his own accord. His father died when my son was 10 so I had no options to not work hard, develop myself for fear of us being homeless or living with my parents. Hes filled out literally HUNDREDS of applications, contacted countless recruiters and hes only had one interview in the last year. It feels too much on my shoulders when we arent married or engaged or even planning anything of the sort at the moment. So many people dont get it and Ive been told to just cut costs. All Rights Reserved. My sister, at 49.5 years on February 2016, was finally diagnosed by Stadium 3 Breast cancer. Its been 2 years now but i dnt hv guts to tell him find a job. So now he had been back since then, we arent even really in a relationship anymore, it feels more like room mates, who share a bed, (rarely sex). Im afraid for the woman I love. I share how you feel and your faith with God. Even some of his debt is in my name. I recognise now 25 years later that my husband likely has aspergers none the less he is relatively awful to me does nothing and doesnt work. I was rehired before thanksgiving. My female partner and I have been together for over 2 years and in that time she has been employed for one or two weeks. Why I am having to do that I dont know! Spiritual: Pray alone or with others. But her parents said that due to my hearing problem they cant agree to this relationship and fixed her marriage with someone else. Loss. And here I continue to stay . Go to new job and immediately started accusing me of having an affair, wanting a divorce, not wanting a divorce. He has anxiety, he been through many health issues (serious) and made a 100% recovery. When we met I had only just moved into a one bedroom flat and he moved in with his three kids. If they can not find a senior job/white collar work, they are insulted. Whether you're the emotional laboring spouse or the slacker, marriage therapists have some tips for you. You have to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of everyone and everything else. 1. Technically, I wasted time and was still able to graduate on time. I work FT, 40-50 hours a week, and recently failed a part time semester in college while trying for my Associates degree. In fact if they really want to find a entry level job, they dont need to list their high education background to give the employer excuse to refuse them. I make enough to pay our bills and a little extra, but I still feel like I got a bad deal. Wheres a real woman with a heart for little ole me!? Townhall.com is the leading source for conservative news and political commentary and analysis. Half of the problem is that I honestly dont think he is searching that well notice I said WELL, not HARD he is trying hard, but has not searched for a job in nearly 15 years and is definitely not aware of current best practices. My husband wont even help me do my job, Im self employed, to contribute. Praying were not all just casualties of the recession forever. But Im like you cant feel to bad because you keep doing it. How do men get to this point? Not a lot to ask for, sounds like this guy came with a lot of drama, and does not want to be a man or he thinks he is something so special that he can get his ass fired from 7 employers. All of the struggle is worth it, to put a stop to the abuse. Privacy Policy and My husband has been unemployed for 4+ years. Try to find out what he likes that he can make money out off.some people they dont like waking up early and face one thing the whole day but are good in business. That was 3 years ago. When he was working he paid his share but spent his left over money on who knows what (probably strippers although I dont have proof).